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Joke Of The Day...

Discussion in 'Rants & Raves' started by D41, Mar 31, 2010.

  1. Carpel21

    Carpel21

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    Location: Bristol
    A man walks into a library and asks for a book about under-aged dwarf sex. 'How can you stoop so low' Asked the librarian, to which the man replies 'yep that's the one'!
     
  2. kingfixer

    kingfixer

    2,045
    25
    48
    Location: bristol
    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
    streets
    and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he
    sees a
    lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening
    performances".

    "Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!" he says to himself and goes
    to the bar.
    "Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs**t middle class w*nkhole please you
    c*nt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
    The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.

    "Can I help you sir?" he says.
    "Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
    window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker."
    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
    need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

    The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
    involving, yet utterly melodic.
    At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that
    called?"
    "That song was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your
    daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind'.

    "Oh" says the manager "err, can you play me another. Something a little
    less "lively".

    "W*nker.." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
    which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
    asks him the title.
    "That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
    box
    you get cr*p on your bell end'.

    "I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive
    titles?"

    "Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece', or
    there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
    nice
    jugs'.

    "Look" says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
    the
    title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition
    that
    you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience".
    "F*ck it" says the pianist "Why not?".

    On his first night everything is going superbly; the crowd are lapping up
    his
    repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing
    putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
    blonde in
    a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her
    stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting
    cleavage.
    During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on
    that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot
    his
    muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes
    back
    to the stage and finishes his act.

    After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
    "Hi"
    she says. "Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She
    leans
    over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of
    your
    trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?"



    "Know it?" says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I
    f*cking wrote it!"
     
  3. D41

    D41

    Thread Starter

    13,919
    139
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    Location: Orange, CA
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: That's terrible!! HAHA!
     
  4. Conks

    Conks

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  5. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    HER DIARY:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About
    15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


    HIS DIARY:

    Harley wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.
     
  6. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    There are 3 guys sat outside a maternity ward awaiting news.

    An Englishman, an American and an African

    A nurse comes out and says - Congratulations gentlemen - your wives have given birth to 3 healthy baby boys!

    However there is one small problem you may be able to help us with - we are not sure which baby is whose.

    At this the Englishman immediately dashed into the ward and picked up the little black baby and said "This is my boy!"

    The nurse apologetically said "Are you absolutely sure sir"

    The Englishman replied "Well not exactly - but one of those little buggers is American - and I'm not taking any chances… :D
     
  7. D41

    D41

    Thread Starter

    13,919
    139
    63
    Location: Orange, CA
    :lol: :lol: :lol: You git!!!


    The Swedish mountaineer Christer Olsson, has stated in a press-conference that his attempt to climb over the sound-barrier has failed again.




    Sorry the Swedish jokes that are out there on the web are pretty crap!
     
  8. Carpel21

    Carpel21

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    Location: Bristol
    Get back to work on my Rolex and keep your English jokes to yourself you little Swiss bugger. :mrgreen:
     
  9. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    As a Brit living in Sweden, I know a fair few Swede jokes but the best is a short one as its very apt.

    Q - how do you get Swedes on a roof?
    A - tell them the drinks are on the house
     
  10. D41

    D41

    Thread Starter

    13,919
    139
    63
    Location: Orange, CA

    Someone from Sweden is Swiss??.....Now that's funny!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. Carpel21

    Carpel21

    292
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    0
    Location: Bristol
  12. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    I have lost count of the amount of time I tell folks I live in Sweden only to be greeted with clock and chocolates jibes – so don’t worry about it :D

    (Im not from Sweden, Im from Wales ;) )
     
  13. Carpel21

    Carpel21

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    Location: Bristol
    What has Sweden given us then, cheese, ham? No that's Denmark for the ham isn't is. Oh yes, a furniture store where you have to try and sheperd your missus past EVERYTHING to make it to the till with just the lampshade you went in for. :lol:
     
  14. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    It’s quite sad but the nearest IKEA to me is the first and original one and the Swedes get all nostalgic over it
     
  15. Conks

    Conks

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    So............. Your repsonsable for 'Cuckoo clocks' and 'Toberone'!!!!!!



    ;)
     
  16. Carpel21

    Carpel21

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    Location: Bristol
    Don't get us started on the Welsh jokes, i'm supposed to go back to work sometime this week. :mrgreen:
    Heard of the book of Welshisms? Stuff like 'who's coat is that jacket on the floor'?
     
  17. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    How about 'hold those 2 sheep while I count them'

    Anyway, that would be the valley commandos not city boys like me ;)
     
  18. Oh, now I get it. :lol:
     
  19. SV_Justin

    SV_Justin

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    16
    Location: Kent
    hahahaha! :lol:
     

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