Why I love my wife - an evening on the A528

I promise you that every word of what follows is true. It really is, it's what happened to me on the way home tonight. Needs explanation so it’s a bit long. The A528 is the country road from Shrewsbury to Ellesmere – about 20 miles. On a sunny summer day it's fantastic on a bike – lovely views, the road rises and falls, is as twisty as you like, and the surface is nice and grippy On a cold wet winter evening, it's 'orrible. Tonight, 5C and pissing down, as it has been all week.

I was in Liverpool today, about 65 miles/2 hours north of here. I had my Clio. Anne was in our office in Shrewsbury, she had the Merc – it’s a C200 estate. She was going to the turning on of the Christmas tree lights at daughter’s school in Ellesmere (which is on the way to and from Liverpool) and then they were having a German Christmas market. Thank God she stayed off the Gluhwein. I was about to leave Scouseland at 6pm when she called me. ‘I’ve run out of diesel. The car’s making a horrible noise, and it’s really jerky.’ ‘Where are you?’ ‘By Pimhill’. ‘Turn the car round and see if you can get into the Bridgewater Arms car park [a mile up the road from where she called]. Go in and have something to eat while I come and sort it, I’ll be there in an hour.’

Ran to the car park, jumped into the Clio and shot down to Ellesmere as fast as I could, but it was raining hard, the Birkenhead Tunnel was heavy going with piles of traffic, the M53 was more like a river than a motorway, the A483 down to Ruabon was every bit as bad, and the A539 and A528 into Ellesmere were miserable :shock: Stopped at the fuel station in Ellesmere, they lent me a 5 litre can, I filled it with diesel and went onto the Bridgewater Arms. Found the car, found spouse and child in the pub, and poured the fuel into the tank. Said, ‘we need to take the can back to the fuel station, follow me to Ellesmere.’ I set off north, and realised that she wasn’t behind me :?

I called her on my mobile. She was in tears , ‘it’s every bit as bad!!! I’ve had to stop!!!' I was guessing that 5 litres of fuel in a completely empty tank wasn’t enough to prime the fuel pump, so I said 'as long as the car is safe and off the road then I’ll get some more fuel and come back and find you.’ On to the fuel station, more fuel, back down the A528, saw the car on a muddy but flat bit by the side of the road, drove on a bit to find some place to turn, came back and parked up behind the Merc. Poured another 5 litres of diesel into the tank. There, it should start now – and it did Still had to take the can back, so I said ‘I’ll follow you this time.’

As soon as she set off I could see the problem It wasn’t the fuel pump and low fuel. It was the nearside rear tyre – completely f*cked, had obviously run flat and driving on it had twisted it around the wheel. Me frantically flashing lights and hooting, wife obviously panicking not knowing what was happening and the car swerving dangerously across the road. She stopped, by this time in one of the dips in the road, with steep verges. ‘Ed, I didn’t know it was the tyre, really I didn’t, I didn’t know’ she cried. She was in such a state, I couldn’t be cross.

Wife and child got into the Clio, I’d left the engine running with the lights on so I could see what I was doing. Also called the police to tell them that the road was obstructed, and put up the red warning triangle. Spouse and kid both kept getting out the car into the road and standing in the light, I was getting annoyed at that because although the A528 isn’t that busy at night, that bit’s in a dip, it’s a 60mph limit, it’s narrow and twisty, and very very wet and dark. Kept yelling at them to get back in the bl**dy car.

The verge was steep and really soft – so much rain, very muddy – but couldn’t move the car out, it was blocking the road as it was. Jacked up the car a bit, hell this thing’s heavy – over one and a half tons - wheelnuts refused to budge, I was yanking at the blimmin things – in the end I thought ‘Ed, you’re gonna have to stand on the spanner’. Pouring down and very cold rain, by this time I was drenched with rain running down my neck, just as well I was wearing my cheap Chinese Blackrocks (copy Magnum HiLegs) instead of my nice Loake shoes. Steadied myself on the roof rail of the car and stood on the spanner and pressed down. Of course, wet spanner, wet boots, wet roof rail = no grip, spanner flew off the nut, and I fell face first into the 4king mud :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: My specs ended up in the road :roll: Wife and daughter falling about laughing F%*&(£!!! Clothes ruined.

Finally got the wheel off, rain pouring through my hair and down my neck, the spare is a small narrow temporary thing. What a job it was to line up the nuts, it was so dark I couldn’t see from the side, and my hands were so muddy and cold that I couldn’t easily tighten the nuts. Finally did it, got the car down, looks like it might even need a new wheel, not just the new tyre – the inner wall is completely shot as the rim cut through it when Anne was driving on it. Because it was such horrible conditions, what should be a 15 minute job took 45.

Turned round to do thumbs up to wifey and kid – noticed the headlights on the Clio weren’t very bright. It suddenly dawned on me that I couldn’t hear the engine Oh holy shit….. she’d turned the bloody engine off, but had left the ignition on, with lights, heater, radio and wipers going. No wonder the battery was flat. ‘Why did you turn the engine off!!!’ ‘I didn’t know…’ more tears. By this stage I was cold, muddy, wet through, painful hands, and hopping mad.

I opened the Merc boot again. ‘Where are the jump leads’ ‘I don’t know’. Oh fuckety fuck, I’m gonna have to bump start the damn thing on this 4king road in the dark and in the pissing rain. Full instructions to wife, me and daughter pushing. Heard the starter motor, didn’t start. Grrrrrr :twisted: :twisted: ‘Were you turning the key?’ ‘Yes, that’s what you told me to do.’ ‘No!!!!!! Just lift the clutch and press the throttle, be careful not to hit any oncoming.’ ‘Oh. Yes. OK’

Pushed Clio back a bit, tried again. Success!! The engine roared into life, the car hopped down the road, narrowly missing the Merc and off she drove into the dark with no lights on……

Collected the triangle, jumped in the Merc, rammed it into drive and went off after her. Finally caught her at the fuel station in Ellesmere, where I filled both cars. That’ll be £95, thank you…

She decided she would drive the Merc home. I took the Clio, and drove the 40 minutes home, only to be told on arrival ‘Ed I forgot to say, we have no milk.’ OMFG. So off I went to Sainburys, covered in mud and wet through, the cashier threw me a very off look, I simply said ‘women!!!’ and walked out.

 

No!!! It's a Merc, it doesn't break down!!

But good point. I'll check them out.

 

Turned out we didn't need a nrew wheel, just a new rear tyre. £133.43 later...

 

Guys, you won't believe this.

Guess what I've just spent the last 45 mins doing :roll:

I'm afraid it's true. She kerbed the Merc, front nearside tyre is shot. This was in the town centre, so she drove it the mile to my office so I could change it in the car park.

I give up!!!

 

Tyre Slime or a can of Finilec in her Stocking next week perhaps Ed?